How do you console someone who is grieving?
I walked into my family friend’s house today, knelt down in front of her mother and started mumbling incoherently; How are you? God is your strength, thank you ma, yes ma. I was clueless.
Three weeks ago she lost her husband. He had been ill for several years and it’s possible that his death wasn’t entirely shocking. Yet, I can’t imagine how heavy her heart must be.
I never know what to say or do or how to act in the presence of someone who is grieving. What do you say to console the person? Is it illogical to try consoling someone who should simply be allowed to grieve? Allowed to experience the pain so they can eventually heal?
My friend wasn’t crying. She laughed often and asked how I was doing. “I should be asking you”, I replied softly. “How are you doing?”
I told her I never know how to act in situations like this and she understood. She made it less awkward and she told me about how she felt; sadness, anger and frustration. She believed her dad would still be alive if Nigeria had a better healthcare system and if doctors were a lot less careless.
I’ve always thought that the most painful type of death is the one that was caused by carelessness. How does one get past and through that?
If I were put in another room with someone who is grieving, I still wouldn’t know what to do. I’ll still be awkward and I’ll still jumble my words. But at least, I’ll be present. I’ll sit and talk and chuckle and listen through the awkwardness because honestly, I doubt that there is one proven way to actually console someone who is grieving.
You show up, that’s the first step.
This article is part of my 100-day creative project, “100 days of bad writing”. Inspired by what the journalist, Kiki Mordi, shared as the most meaningful writing advice she ever received — “bad writing is better than no writing”. You can follow everything I share on Instagram or explore what the 100-day project is all about.
