Learning to take up space
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be invisible, behind the scenes, low-key. So much so that before getting into my first year of uni I had made a mental note to start wearing hijabs so that no one would really see me. A stupid and ridiculous thought, I know, but that’s the extent I was willing to go to be as invisible as possible.
My social anxiety is deeply rooted. I’m constantly overthinking situations, overanalyzing past events, and, until recently, shying away from any professional (and sometimes personal) opportunity that required me to perform in public.
This anxiety has been the source of many of my shortcomings. All too often, I cowered, made excuses, dropped the ball, went MIA, and failed to communicate properly.
But ultimately — and fortunately — it’s also what eventually led me to the person I am now.
Whenever I think about all the potential friends and cultural experiences I missed out on because I was too afraid to truly express myself, I find consolation in this fact: I much prefer that I retreated from the world so often and spent so much time in solitude that I built something far more important to me now than anything else — character. I am proud of the person I am inherently: honest, introspective, unpretentious, creative, and as one of my friends recently divulged, visionary.
Of course, there’s a lot more I can be — and a lot more I will eventually become — but I am confident that my current foundation is solid enough to build a skyscraper on. So help me God.
But, if there’s one thing I’ll never do, it’s lie to myself. This means that I’m very well aware of the craters in my personality and have begun the ‘long, arduous process of filling in the gaps’.
I’m no longer making excuses for my shortcomings, I’m creating systems to get good work done, I’m finally reading again, and I’m saying yes to doing meaningful things that push me outside my comfort zone.
I know myself well enough to understand that these things, as unrelated as they may seem, are the hurdles I need to scale to feel more confident.
And what else does taking up space mean, if not affirming my presence in ways that feel true to me, boldly contributing my unique point of view to the world, and finally breaking away from the cycle of self-doubt?
